Trouble in The Office

Trouble with a Pink Tie

I’ve been itching to do a practical joke ever since I’ve watched The Office. Offices are the squarest joints on Earth, and people have made a grave error of placing a premium on the formality that these cubicle fortresses bring. Thus says I, it is only proper that proceedings of the less serious sort make a killing in its abode to smite all dour beings. There begins my Pink Tie Project.

First, the Target: Drew – the (former) object of my affection. I have moved on as I had declared to friends. Totoo na ito. Said target is the best option as this project marks closure to all sexual and romantic relationships that could never be. The risk here is that Drew has a vicious temper, the one that obliterates the enemy because he has testicles the size of papayas to say “Tell your boss to do his job and stop putting his dick into cunts all over the office!” to the HR Head’s secretary.

Materials:
2 Clear Alsa Gulaman Packs
2 Ziploc sandwich bags
900 ml water
1 Water Bottle (preferably owned by the target)
1 Hideous Pink Tie (preferable owned also by the target)
1 metal pot
1 stove
and lots of nerves

Procedure:
Acquiring the materials is both expensive and risky. 2 Clear Alsa Gulaman Packs cost P78 and while the Ziploc was like P80 plus for 20 sheets (you had to buy them in a box). The water bottles and pink tie were easy to snatch up from the target’s cubicle as he was in absentia for the longest time. The only thing you need to worry about is making sure you don’t have witnesses. As I didn’t have enough dough to hire a personal mafia to *take care of them,* I just had to internalize and call on my inner Ninja Kid and do the stealing.

The first attempt had been a disaster because I only used 1 pack of Alsa from last Christmas’s Holiday Giveaway. It expired already and did not perform as expected. I was left with a soggy accessory soaked in a body-fluid-like substance. I also scrimped on the Ziploc bags, using only available polybags which turned out having microscopic holes. Imagine the horror and panic when I saw the pink silk tie turn into a deep hue. I had to yank it out of the bottle and do laundry pronto. I was not prepared to shell out more money to replace the thing or even dry clean it.

Last Monday morning I woke up really early and put on my Chemistry Student persona. This time I had it right. Boiled 2 packs of Alsa Gulaman in 900ml of water. The Colloid formed and frothed beautifully in its semi-liquid state that it would make any Brownian Movement into the latest dance craze. As the matter was starting to take on a more solid gelatin structure, I carefully folded the Hideous Pink Tie into 4 neat sections and placed them into two airtight waterproof Ziploc bags (the seal turns green when the lock is made… amazing!). The object was inserted lengthwise into the water bottle. Lengthwise because as I had found out in my first test run, the Hideous Pink Tie (HPT) is lighter than Alsa and floats up towards the mouth of the bottle, and the visual impact is lost if the HPT were rolled up into a ball.

I poured the Alsa concoction in the Water Bottle – HPT – Ziploc assembly and waited. I was amazed to find out that our physics teacher forgot to teach us that Alsa expands upon cooling. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it expands upon cooling because I had only prepared 900ml of liquid and yet it overflowed in the 1500ml container. You may question that maybe, the volume of the HPT-Ziploc was more than the 600ml. Of course not. I measured the liquid myself. I filled only up to the neck, and then after a few minutes, the liquid had oozed itself out of the container.

(Do you have a theory? I would like to hear it. There would be a prize for the best explanation. Hehehe.)

Anyway, the Alsa solidified gorgeously and there were no air bubbles. The surface was parallel to sea level. And most of all, the Hideous Pink Tie had never looked so hideous in its life. (Imagine me throwing my arms in the air, exclaiming, “I had done eet!! Eeet’s vonderful! Success!!!! Ah Ah AH!!!!” with lightning and thunder cracking in the background.)

Following day at Tuesday 830AM, I arrived early in the office before 9AM when Target regularly comes in and placed it casually on his desk where he usually puts it.

And then I wait.

At 910AM, said Target barges into cubicle, exclaims, “Oh look at her, just when she knows I’m hear, she pretends to pick up the telephone. Hey, you! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?”

Me: “Hey! It’s your water bottle! You’ve found it!”

Target: “Don’t pretend you don’t know. There’s a pink tie in … (inserts finger in bottle) I think it’s jell-o…”

Me: “What evil genius would do a thing like that?” (Feigns innocence, bats lashes.)

Target: “Evil genius?!? You mean an Evil B, that’s what! (sits on guest chairs).

Me: “Are you sure it’s Jell-o? It might be glue… or worse… something else…”

Target: “You better not show your butt to me because I WILL SHOVE THIS UP YOUR ASS!!!” Exits. Whisks away bottle and shows it to the rest of the office world.
Me: “DON’T ACCUSE ME OF SOMETHING I DIDN’T DO, you prick!” (last two words said quietly)

I couldn’t laugh but I wanted to so badly! I admit I did get scared of him getting angry with me but it was FUN FUN FUN that I want to do it again!

I wonder what would my next project be? Hmm…

posted by Elyss @ 1:31 PM