Tips to a Happy Office Life:
Helpful Advice from Office-mates
1. Make Alt-Tab your new best friend. Of course, always have a worksheet open that you can switch to from your IE page.
2. What gets written gets permanent. Keep notebooks handy and repeat agreements verbally to all involved. In the same vein, NEVER write emails to your offending party while angry. Don’t be surprised if you find your hate mail circulating around the Office in a matter of minutes.
3. Know how many of your leaves are tax-exempt.
4. Best to schedule meetings at 11AM. With the Management keeping a watch on costs, lunch meetings are No-No’s. Be warned that one of two things may happen. One is that you go through the agenda quickly and finish by 12NN at the latest. The other is that you continue with the meeting with the whites of your eyes glazed over.
5. Mirrors are extremely useful when placed strategically in your cubicles.
6. Store food items in plastic airtight containers. You wouldn’t want Mickey (the Office Mouse) nibbling on your afternoon snack.
7. Keep your own personal stock of toilet paper. Things can get pretty ugly on the rare occasions the CR runs out of paper. You may also consider getting your own dipper? Bar of soap? Shampoo? Change of underwear? Emergencies do happen.
8. Set goals for the day. Once you’ve finished listing all your TO DO’s, it’ll be five o’clock in no time.
9. Regularly check if the person next to your cubicle is okay. i.e. breathing.
10. Keep away from negative people as they drain your energy. Also avoid chismosas, emotionally unstable staff, SDPs, and workaholics. Know who they are.
11. It doesn’t hurt sometimes to hint (the subtlest hints work the hardest) that you’re getting an interview. If you were very good, it would set your manager in a panic and hurrying off to find you a pay raise.
12. Always update resumes, and keep them handy. You're not indispensable.
Instant Messaging
Pinay_Marimar: Pssst…
C_girl: hus dis pls? ASL?
Pinay_Marimar: pa-hus dis, hus dis k p. DOI?! Talaga bang ob-ob ka sa chatting? I-check mo na lang sa profile, ano?
C_girl: marni? dat u? Sorry … mas sanay ako magsulat sa
formal and
official emails e…
Pinay_Marimar: Yep, Marni here. Loka, nangonsensya ka pa. ;-p Ba’t ka naman C_girl? C as in claustrophobic? crazy? celebate?
C_girl: C for Cynic. Har har. I just happen to like my name so much. Or I just don’t want to forget how I’m called. Ang sama naman ng timing mo, gumagawa ako ng report para kay Apong Joel. Bad trip, wala na naman sya sa PERT, ako naman maghahabol. Palibhasa, matandang binata. Wazzup wid u?
Pinay_Marimar: Well, I think my mudra would have to cross-post me to R & D dahil may nakita akong
sabi ko sa iyo na hahanapin ko.
C_girl: Ano naman yun, aber? Vera’s resignation letter?
Pinay_Marimar: Better. Vera’s Farewell letter.
C_girl: Farewell letter? Wow, madrama pala ang lola… so what did it say?
Pinay_Marimar: I’ll send you a copy. FILE ATTACHED.
C_girl: (reading attachment)
C_girl: Hmm… Intewesting ;-) This is so dated… whose archive did you rummage through?
Pinay_Marimar: An old lover.
C_girl: Do I know this guy? wink wink?? ;-D
Pinay_Marimar: That’s totally irrelevant at this point. So? What you think?
C_girl: This is getting way too weird. Vera resigned for the same reason Rina is resigning at the end of this month! And I quote in paragraph 2:
“It is with a heavy heart that I leave you, dear friends. I have decided to be the best mom I could possibly be to my newborn twins.” TWINS! And she’s as thin as a praying mantis!
Pinay_Marimar: May feeling aketch that post has been cursed since Vera held it.
C_girl: Exaj naman. Selene didn’t have kids when she took on Vera’s job, ei? She came in and went out a single, independent woman.
Pinay_Marimar: Ok, so she didn’t get preggers. But she did look like she had quadruplets.
C_girl: LOL!!!! Ur so ryt. However, there is much to be said about a woman and her choice of priorities. Why can't a woman have the best of both family AND career? Wawa naman tayo...
*O1_lover has joined the chatroom. O1_lover: Hi hon. So tuloy ba tayo? same time and place?
C_girl: OLD LOVER!!! Paano ka nakapasok dito??? This chat is private and confidential!
O1_lover: I couldn’t get through Pinay_Marimar. Sweetie, please don’t ignore me naman o…
C_girl: Ahahaha!!!! I-che-check ko profile mo!!!! Lagot ka ngaun!!!!
Pinay_Marimar: Shhhhh, C_girl… quiet ka na lang pleeease…
C_girl: E2 na!!! Kaunting mouseclicks na lang…
C_girl: Ooopss… gg. (C_girl has left the chatroom.)
O1_lover: Marni – sino ba un?
Pinay_Marimar: Wala. Katulong ko sa bahay. Joel, how many times do I have to tell you NOT to IM me?! (Pinay_Marimar has left the chatroom.)
CONVERSATION WITH THE GODDESSAugust 29, 2005
I was called that morning to the Goddess’s
[1] office for the midyear performance appraisal. Considering it being August, which is two-thirds the way into the year, the appraisal came in pretty late. The whole company didn’t think it needed be reminded about its dismal performance for the first half; instead, energies were invested in recovery efforts to make up for the shortfall in sales.
Anyway, I knocked at her door, and very Goddess-like, she waved at me to come in and take a seat. She skimmed over my evaluation sheet, and made barely audible Uhuhs into what was written there. I thought the whole exercise was nothing extraordinary; she’s probably seen the same marks as with the other marketing associates, as we share the same KPIs
[2] and the same discouraging results.
Goddess laid the paper down on her leather-covered desktop, squinted her eyes and smiled. “Ahh…” she said. “Not a good year, don’t you think?”
“You can say that again. We haven’t been hitting any of the sales plans we’ve set out. It’s like we worked tooth and nail for each peso, and still they came in trickles.”
“I wasn’t thinking of the Sales this year though …”
I felt a knot in my stomach. I guessed that I wasn’t going to like what she’s going to say next. I held my breath anyways, and let her speak what was on her mind. I saw that she seemed to grapple for something, and was choosing carefully the words to say to me. She sat upright and looked me, interestingly, in the eye.
“You know, I think you’re very smart. You’re very capable at what you do, wherever you are placed in this company, be it production, in estimating, and now and marketing planning…”
So, I thought, what’s the problem?
“It’s just that you aren’t passionate enough.”
“Huh?” Startled, my eyebrows raised, my equivalent to a knee-jerk reaction when struck with a very huge steel hammer.
“Your work is all in your brain. But,” she pointed to the heart, “not here.”
For all the communication skills I thought I had (E = Excellent), I was speechless, daunted. Bewildered. Nobody has ever told me about how I suck at work, elegantly in the way she did, or otherwise.
When I found my own voice, I jokingly said, “Well, it’s unfortunate there isn’t a criteria for Passion in the package, that way we couldn’t do a career plan for it.” Wise guy defense mechanism. Call it very insubordinate, but luckily for me, they always, ALWAYS let me get away with it.
The strange thing about this was I didn’t ask why she said what she said. Did she see it in my work? My reports? The way I handled campaign crises? How I did my hair, my make-up?
But I didn’t have to ask. It was the worst feeling in the world to know that deep inside, no matter how I worked on it, what Goddess said about me was true.
We ended the appraisal with plans for more marketing lessons, and potential cross-posting to a more left-brained job at Corporate Planning (10th floor). Goddess smiled again at me as I stood up to leave. The look on her face said, “Don’t worry, things will work out.”
I smiled in return. In the meantime, I went back to the thick wad of paper work sitting on my cubicle table, waiting for my numb hands to untangle them.
[1] Goddess –Secret nickname for Arundhati, Marketing Director. When she first came into the Office, she had long curly hair like the fabled Greek goddesses, and wore the most unconservative, and uncorporate get-up (i.e. green cargo pants topped with a spaghetti-strapped beaded white shirt, covered with a denim jacket). She speaks slow, accented English, which hinted her Chinese descent, but looked very Indian in complexion. You can say she looks like an aging, ex-Bollywood star.
[2] KPI = Key Performance Indicators, i.e. Grades on a report card.
Bosing-Bosing
August 26, 2005
My list of
Boss Archetypes, based on my personal experience in the Office:
SLAVE-DRIVING PERFECTIONISTS (SDPs = 26.5% of total Boss Population) – These are classical Type As who rose from the ranks based on their sterling performance as specialists. They are solely dependent on number analysis for decision-making and are highly emotionally volatile. Unfortunately, there obsession with perfection translates to impractical demands on their staff (i.e. twenty permutations of an insignificant scenario on inventory levels) and trauma-inducing team meetings.
Example – Beth, former R & D director, now Supply Chain VP. Infamously related the production planning group to her former R & D group by baptizing them with the same name, as in the cases of “Punyet@ kang Jonas ka, anong klaseng production output report ito?” and “Marjorie Punyet@ ka, nakaka-ilang spoilage reports ka na, a?”ARROGANT FIELD EXPERTS (AFEs =15%) – A mutation of Slave-driving Perfectionists who are more adept at anger management up to a certain degree. The high volatility of SDPs is replaced by their abnormally excessive arrogance, arising from their expertise in the field they are in. These field experts are excellent macro-level thinkers, strategists, and problem solvers. However, they can strut around the halls as know-it-alls, and be very selfish in imparting precious technical information to fellow managers. They do not form strong attachments to their staff or even to colleagues, which makes it easier for them to fire/rationalize/offer “early retirement” to whole departments at a moment’s notice.
Example – Charlie, former Finance vice-president. Two years ago, the Asia-Pacific Regional Operating Manager assigned him to deliver news of “great significance” to the then Country President. The Country President barged out the conference room with tears in his eyes and a copy of an “executive early retirement package”. He was president for twenty-two years. Unfortunately the following day, Charlie got his own package too, from his apprentice Mario of Accounts.KIND TASK MASTERS (KTMs = 33%) –These Managers-By-Default, have also risen from the ranks, but at a slower pace than SDPs, due to their lack of aggression. They have been promoted to their managerial position because of seniority (or a “gap in the succession plan”), and not because of their outstanding performance. They try their damnest best to be technical experts, and struggle feebly in the face of SDPs. Unfortunately the key to their success are greedily kept from them by the AFEs.
As a side note, the KTMs are also easily swayed, they can’t say ‘No’, and, although their ways are paved with good intentions, they lack the most basic of staff development skills.
Example – Marian, my boss. Just this morning she said yes to the submission on MONDAYof six types of reports. Guess who's actually going to do it over the weekend?CHARMERS (CHs = 17%) – Armed with a highly developed Emotional Intelligence, this section exploits their ability in verbal and non-verbal communication to get what they want. Most of the time, the Charmers are not the sharpest tool in the shed, as evidenced by the Sales Director (a certified Charmer, she used to be a secretary) who asked a question similar to how one and one together make two, financials-wise.
Charmers are usually polished, very sweet and thoughtful outside the workplace … remembering your birthday and asking everyone out on a Friday night for a nightcap at the nearest wine bar. However, when provoked, Charmers use their convincing skills against anyone, like in some cases making Top Management believe the wrong figures projected on the screen were actually
her secretary's fault because the latter must have been having family problems all the time she was supposed to be focusing on this report.
(Marni learned about this the day she returned from her vacation in Boracay, and she swears she immediately filed for Grievance.)SUPER LEADERS – This is a very rare breed of Bosings in the company. They are also actually nicknamed JACK POTS (as in “Naka-jackpot ako sa boss a!”) in certain circles. They exhibit superb leadership skills, winning their subordinates with their tact, humor, intelligence, and generosity. They bear a genuine interest in their staff’s development, and upon seeing valuable potential, exacts reasonably stellar performance from them in every project. They are generous in giving praise and salary increases; they are also very sensitive to their staff’s needs as human social beings. They can be depended on to deliver the most impossible tasks, and are the solitary reason as to why the company is alive and well in the market.
Unfortunately, only 8.5% of the total boss population are SLs. And part of it is resigning from the company soon.
She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
August 25, 2005
Right after lunch, Marni the 30 something secretary, walked up to me and twiddled with her hair. She was probably midway in thought when Rina, the incumbent brand group manager passed by, coughing violently the last of her flu symptoms.
“We surely are going to miss her,” Marni said.
“Not as much as the brand group is, though. I heard the replacement is a real pain in the neck. Rumor has it that Vera wailed her way to get the car upgrade she’s enjoying now,” I replied.
Marni moved in closer, “I wonder why the office memo didn’t say that she used to work for this company…”
“What? She did? And when was that?” I got all excited.
“It was I think in the eighties for a couple of years. Only a few of the current employees, like old Joel and Marian, have stayed long enough to remember. She was pretty good, surprisingly. Turned the business around especially in the fragrance category when there was a deep slump.”
“Then why didn’t she stay long enough as Joel and Marian? If Vera is a good as they say and she stayed long enough, she might just well be the General Manager,” I wondered.
“She wasn’t called Bitch Queen then for nothing. See that Harry Potter scar on Joel’s forehead?” There was a faint trace of two parallel lines running the upper third of Joel’s wrinkled face as I looked at him from a distance. “Vera did that. Threw a stapler at him when he refused to back her up on the budgeting proposal. Vera was on high profile that time, presenting to Global top management.”
“Eew. That’s nasty… Am curious. What did her resignation announcement say then when she decided to quit?”
Marni gaped at me, and her eyes sparked, she looked different. It was the familiar look of evil I encounter every time she goes scheming on unsuspecting victims. “You know,” she hissed to me, “I think we should find that out in the Human Resources department. I should make a call to Mareng Martha. For old times sake.”
She smiled and left. In the wake of that sudden epiphany, steam was rising from the tracks on her heels.
Misery really must love (this) company.
TO : All Associates
FROM : The Human Resources Department
SUBJ : NEW ASSOCIATE & RESIGNATION
DATE : August 24, 2005
===========================================================================
We are pleased to introduce to you our new Marketing Group Consultant for the Brand Management Department,
Ms. Vera Tayson.
Vera is a Certified Bitch, a graduate from the Ayala Alabang Interior Design School. Before joining The Office, she initially worked as a Design Assistant at her daddy’s little company in Tutuban Homes four months and was promoted to Design Manager and Accounts after much temper and tantrum-throwing in the board meetings. Vera will be replacing Rina Taylo, and will be reporting to Arundhati Lian, Marketing Director.
Rina Taylo, Brand Management Group Manager, has resigned effective August 31, 2005.
Rina joined us in June of last year. She was involved in the groundwork for the product development process improvements, labor complaints management arising from cubicle space violations, and mentoring of new Brand associates. Associates reporting Rina have said they shall be very sad to see her go, as she had been an excellent mentor. She almost single-handedly stopped the mass resignations in the department with her promises to them of a lucrative career and a bigger cubicle space.
Rina has resigned to help her conceive a baby at the age of 40.
Let us welcome
Vera to The Office family, and wish
Rina a wonderful domestic life!
(original signed)
MA. MARTHA SACKOU
HR MANAGER
Mysterious Virus Attacks The Office
08/22/05
Amidst the clattering of keyboards on the 7th floor in one beauty company office, an unprompted rendition of soft to harshly phlegmatic coughing has been heard since the start of the rainy season. Apparently, with the resilience of some strains mutating in some of the cosmetics/fragrance & toiletries brand group, a super flu was born and has since been ruthlessly attacking workaholics in the Marketing department.
Victims of this super flu succumb to high fevers, incessant coughing, headaches, and the ability to see numbers floating on the space between their eyeglasses and the computer screens. Some variation include mistakes in category simulations for the overall gross margin percentage (usually a –0.1pt deviation from plan), or inclusion of a long dead product in the campaign brochure, the effects of which are horrendous and too dreadful to include in this report. Dr. Calayan, the medico-legal adviser of this column, says that although the sickness brought upon by the microbes do not pledge death or long-term disability, they would guarantee an indefinite period of sneezing, wheezing and green phlegm-expulsion for the sufferer.
No cure has been found; nevertheless, the company doctor had strongly advised the intake of three consecutive sick leaves with antibiotics that was sure to relieve those who have been attacked by the virus. Regrettably, the floor has been populated by confirmed Type A (perfection and work-obsessive) individuals; there was no way the doctor’s recommendation was going to be taken seriously, as there was the usually endless list of reports to be generated for the management’s use yesterday morning.
